Thursday, November 21, 2013

Memo from Meg & Toast, Inc....

From time to time, to relieve the stress levels that would cause a grown man to cry, I write memos. They're all fake, but inspired by conversations and events happening here in the office.  At times, I will quote favorite TV shows, movies and the like to bring an extra smile or laugh.  They've brought some snorts and giggles over the last few months since I started here.  This one is one of my favorites.  None of this actually occurred, but it was inspired by some of the verbalized fear of tornadoes in our office.  Add some creative thinking, a large dose of sarcasm and modeling the said CEO (named after my boss) after Malory Archer from the TV show "Archer", you get one heck of a memo!  Like Dr. House, but in an office.....ooh...that could be a new memo....plenty of "ammo" around this place...

**Please read first before allowing your children to read. No profanity or violence is present, but the amount of apathy and rudeness is fairly Dr. Greg House.**
**Also, this CEO is nothing like my boss. I used her name with her permission and dubbed the fake company Meg & Toast, Inc. because of her astounding love for toast.  Seriously. This woman squeaks a little when I bring her toast. Especially if it's on homemade bread. I'm so not joking.  It's adorable.**

Here ya' go....

Meg & Toast, Inc.


To: All Employees
From: Megan Freedman, CEO & President
Subject: Tornado Alerts & Use of the company shelter

To Whom It May Concern:

As you know, we had to go to our shelter for a brief time during the tornado last week.  I understand from some of my staff that we have employees that decided to seek out shelter either under their desks or by going to the restroom instead.  This is simply not safe.  However, I respect your need to control your own destiny, therefore I have decided that in the future, those of us in the shelter will begin taking bets as to which one of you sorry losers will be sucked up and carried away into said cyclone of death and destruction.  Many of us are in need of home repairs as of late and could really use the cash, so best of luck! 

I would also like to address those who DID manage to find your way to our shelter.  For those of you who choose to shower and wear deodorant daily, my hearty thanks.  For those of you who do not, please do not bother coming to our shelter again.  There’s plenty of room for you under your desk or with those other pathetic souls in the restroom.  It’s really quite foul what you brought with you.  What on earth do you eat? There is simply no way that you forgot to put on deodorant after you showered.  That’s assuming you actually shower. Those fumes were enough to choke a goat.  Honestly!  Please keep your flame-worthy gases contained from here on out.  I simply will not put my olfactory system through that again.  Toward the end, I was dry heaving with my secretary while she held my hair back.  Unacceptable!  Absolutely unacceptable! 

As always, if you feel in any way offended or wish to speak with me regarding this memo, please don’t.  Go ahead and pack up your things and just go away.

Had to burn that suit due to the smell,

Megan Freedman
CEO & President
Meg & Toast, Inc.

 If you liked it, leave me a comment.  If you didn't like it, I'm not going to apologize.  You can't please everyone all the time.  It's virtually and quite literally impossible.  Have a Happy Thanksgiving, if I don't post again before then!

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